February 3, 2018
Good morning from Hummingbird Retreat… it’s sunny, lightly breezy and extremely pleasant out right now. We’re all lazing around and relaxing after our second Ayahuasca ceremony last night. Today is a day off, then tomorrow we’ll be back at it.
Last night is going to be hard to put into words that make sense for people, but I think that giving it a go might help me understand it. So I’ll just do my best. And take it with a light heart – if my terminology or spiritual outlook doesn’t make sense with your world, just take it as one person’s experience. I’m not going to censor myself.
I think I wrote yesterday about intention-setting, and about my process of getting in touch with the deep pain inside me that I want to heal. It’s a big theme here, the power of intention. We are very encouraged to get clear about our intention for going into ceremony, and I am seeing already how helpful that is in influencing the experience towards what we want and need. That’s a lesson I want to integrate back into life as well. Anyway, before ceremony last night I just tried to get very in touch with that feeling of deep pain. And when I went to drink the medicine, I felt that knotted sadness and pain inside of me, and I asked “Please, help free me from this. Help me release this, joyfully.” I didn’t want it to be a struggle beyond what was necessary; I wanted it to go in peace. So I held that intention, focusing on the knotted feeling and on the possibility of freedom from it.
I started ceremony sitting in meditation and crying, once again. I listened to the icaros, and looked into the darkness, and focused on my breathing and on a different mantra, “Thank you, thank you, I love you, I love you.” I was thanking Mother Ayahuasca to start, but soon I began directing that mantra to myself as well. “Thank you for being here and doing this, and I love you.”
I started feeling a heightened kind of energy and awareness in my body, and I tried to touch the feeling again, to ask about it. I started seeing visions of my life, of the problems I have created, and I realized they all might have come from this place. One thing I thought about was my eating disorder. For the first time, I saw it as something I created to manipulate people into caring about me. I cried about that, seeing all the hurt and concern it had created… that I had created. I saw it as a meta-pattern of sneaky manipulation that has manifested in various ways throughout my life. I think it shows up in subtle ways in all my relationships. It hurt to see that, and I spent some time crying about it, about the ways that I’ve unconsciously created pain for myself and my loved ones.
It was a mix of things – cathartic, painful, hopeful… While I felt the pain of my negative pattern I also felt the tug of that feeling of freedom I had asked for – like, if I can be rid of this pattern, I will be free. And I don’t need to have problems for people to love me. I don’t need to have problems! I can just be healthy and be at peace with myself and my life, and be truly authentic. In the same breath though I would feel fragile and helpless – what if I keep unconsciously doing the same things? What if I can’t let it go and it never stops? As I look back on it now, I’m seeing my insights as an invitation to release my need for control and to trust that everything is okay. Choose to be at peace instead of trying to force things. Trust the process.
I went back into that knotted feeling in my stomach, that I sensed was tied to my negative pattern of manipulation… and I saw it as having a life and spirit of its own. One thing I am choosing in my life lately is to see everything as having spirit and consciousness. That perspective is definitely helping me make sense of my experience here, and to see the world in a deeper way. And it was actually a very bright and beautiful moment of clarity when I began to concieve of my pain in this way. Anyway, I began to see it as a conscious entity that was tied to all the pain in my life, and that really disturbed me. I wanted to get rid of it. I felt it as a dark ball in my stomach at this point, and was feeling waves of nausea. I expected to purge it and release it and be free. I wanted so badly to purge it and be free of it.
That led into the rest of my night, which was a period of mentally wrestling with my view of this entity. At times I was revolted by it and wanted to be rid of it. At other times I saw it as something I had created and was responsible for – something that I could choose to love and feel compassion for, instead of to reject. I went through many cycles of that: wanting to purge it and being unable to, feeling helpless and afraid that I would never be rid of my negative patterns, then coming back to a feeling of peace and trust in the process. Every time I was unable to purge, I thought about why releasing it was important to me. I would see all the people in my life that I love, see the ways I was capable of hurting them in my unconsciousness, and I would cry.
This cycle continued for a long time – hours after ceremony ended I stayed in the Moloka and worked with the feelings. Jim stayed with me and held space while I went through my process, and I am grateful for that. Some of the best parts of the process were just feeling the really deep feelings. It just felt really good to cry and let the feelings roll through me. Eventually my mental space changed, and I knew that getting rid of the thing inside me wasn’t the point. The point was evolving into a better place. The most important thing was choosing peace, love, compassion, and forgiveness. I would see myself mentally straining and stressing, and I would stop myself: “Choose peace. Be at peace. Let this process go at its own pace. Everything is happening as it should.” Jim also helped me come to a place of peace about it. He did some cleansing work with me using tobacco smoke, and listened to me talk about the entity. He says things like this are common, it’s okay, it will probably be cleared in my time here – or at least will be on its way out. I feel that now.
If this post has been too out-there for you, I’m only going to get more honest about the way I see it right now, so strap in. I feel like all the weird things happening to my body lately – eczema, body pains, etc – are because of the spirit of the thing inside me. I think it’s been with me a very long time without manifesting like that, but that I am growing out of it and no longer energetically compatible with it. So I think what I’m experiencing now is the getting-worse-before-it-gets-better. I think I just have to keep doing what I’m doing, and this will pass. Maybe I can even work with it more while I’m here and transform it into something beautiful. Or else I believe it will go of its own accord. I don’t need to force anything. I just need to claim what’s true for me and act in line with that, and whatever is incompatible won’t be able to stay with me.
I feel empowered, connected to myself, and in awe of the process that is happening here. I am excited to meet Ayahuasca again tomorrow, and to go deeper. I feel blessed to witness my own growth and healing, as well as the processes of all the others here.
The last thing I’ll say about last night was that I got some glimpses of very deep beauty. Ayahuasca feels like the nectar of the gods; I feel that I got to walk in the knowledge of life for a little while. Ayahuasca reminded me last night that life is meant to be fun and light-hearted. She’s teaching me about gentleness, flow, and trusting the process. I believe there is much more good yet to come. So… stay tuned!
Much love to you all… I’ll be back with another report in a couple days 🙂