Be A Beginner

Some days are harder than others, weirder than others.

Tonight I feel tired. I skipped my MMA class that I normally religiously go to, and I felt guilty about it. I made relatively careless mistakes at work and in my personal life in the last week. Tonight my head was just in the clouds. It feels like I’m on a “D’oh!” train. I really hate feeling dumb and making mistakes, and I second-guess my choice to try to take a ‘rest and recharge’ evening, even when I feel tired and out of sorts.

I tried hard to write today, but without structure, without inspiration, without intention, and ultimately without happiness or results. I tried. Yesterday I tried too, was tired too. Some things came out that I liked, some things came out that I didn’t like. Something made it up on the blog, and I don’t like it.

Sometimes I wish you could try enough to make things just work. But that isn’t how life goes. Sometimes all you get from trying so hard is being worn out.

So choosing your battles is part of what deserves your energy. Don’t blindly fight. Know what you’re fighting for.

And taking care of yourself matters. Sometimes we get tunnel vision on something that isn’t working. We need to take steps back. Sometimes we need to rest and recharge.

I don’t totally know what my purpose is right now, but I’ve also started to realize that it’s not going to just hit me in the head and take away my struggles, my questions. And it isn’t something static that I’ll just come upon. It’s more like a trail of breadcrumbs that I’ll have to follow bit by bit, trusting my heart and intuition. It seems like part of my purpose is just to face the fact that I’m a beginner, that part of my work right now is just showing up and being willing to learn.

Some days at work, I just drag my feet and don’t accomplish much. My mind tells me it must be that I’m in the wrong place, that I’m meant for something more. I think I used to interpret that feeling as a real indicator that I should be somewhere else. Now I’m realizing that it’s just part of the growing pains of where I am. We have to get over our FOMO and settle in where we are to get to the good stuff. I want to dig deep in my life. I’d probably be second-guessing my position anywhere. There is no ‘perfect’ place in that sense… which makes this, where I am right now, just as perfect as anything could be. In fact, it is perfect. I can choose to see it that way. It’s the perfect place for my growth right now.

And from that perfect place… I can connect with the feeling of longing-for-something-more in a new way. My soul will always long for its full expression, will always know that it is capable of something beautiful, something way beyond my concept of what’s possible. It’s the fuel that keeps me dreaming.

Another challenge, and a piece of my work: Can I hold my dreams for my future while also caring for, respecting, and loving the present?

And loving the present means being patient with the process. The skills I require to carry out the dreams of my soul take time and experience to develop. I have to show up and work. And the work I do will carve me out of my mold over time. It happens bit by bit. You just have to keep showing up.

So it is with creating a life, with writing, and with jiu jitsu. I’m such a beginner. I might as well believe I will be a beginner forever.


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