What is TRUE for me right now?
I am grateful and in awe. I feel humble. Blessed. Powerful. Tuned in.
I am amazed by life. It is a truly collaborative effort between me, and the force that brings all of my life to me. When I put intention into my life, my life changes. And when I accept what life gives me, and work with it… I learn new things, and evolve.
This week I’ve been feeling really ungrounded, which means that everything felt unstable and off. It was the edge of darkness. Mood shifts. Slipping easily into mindlessness and addictive behaviors.
Not to say that all was terrible, just that I didn’t have solid ground underneath me. I felt weak, lost, disconnected, blocked. I’ve been struggling to make plans and decisions all week. Just struggling.
Today I did two related things, and everything has radically shifted because of it.
Action 1: Engaging my intention and power
Part of this was setting aside some time for me to clear and focus my mind this morning – slowing down, relaxing my mind, making space for me even when I feel the anxious tug towards my other obligations… it’s really a statement of self-worth to say “those things can wait.” If any of you have anxious habits like me, I can’t recommend self-care practices like this enough. I used to be much more consistent with meditation in the morning, but I’ve been in flux lately, sort of on the lookout for my next step when it comes to my routine, my rituals. Anyway, I felt so out of sorts this morning and decided to give myself some space for healing. I did a chakra-clearing guided meditation, which, in case that concept isn’t understandable or accessible to you, I basically used as an aid for directing my intention and awareness towards my own wellness and connectedness.
We really spend so much time in our minds thinking, and that’s only one dimension of our awareness – when we become lopsided towards the mind, we lose touch with our body, our intuition. We become disconnected. We lose our flow. We become imbalanced and vulnerable to illness. Meditations like the one I did today can really help bring our awareness into better balance, and put us in a state where we can influence our own healing and wellbeing in an intentional and positive way. The body-mind connection is real, and we are not helpless. We are absolutely powerful beings and the primary creators of our experience. Sometimes we get swept up by life, and things get crazy and confusing, we lose our way, we lose ourselves… it’s all okay! It’s part of the life process, part of what we’re here for. But we’re not meant to be lost forever, there IS a path back to wellness and wholeness. We have to actively engage, though! Things don’t just get better by themselves. And it starts with our overactive MONKEY MIND! Change the way we think and see ourselves, change the way we feel. Focus on something good for you for a bit, instead of all the world of distraction and stimulation, of news and gossip and FEAR! This is a little bit of a rant that’s happening right now, but I really just want to help spread the truth that WE ARE POWERFUL. That if you’ve been skeptical about things like meditation and words like ‘healing’… well, I guess I aspire to be a voice that communicates the benefit of taking charge of our own lives, and these are just tools for us.
The shorter version: the meditation this morning felt good. It helped me connect to my body, and to my concept of my rootedness, my personal power, my will, my heart, my voice, my intuition, my mind, my connection to life itself. Throughout the day I visualized the colors of the rainbow, of my different chakras, connecting to the earth and each other. I wrote in my journal at a point today, “I feel myself stepping into more of my power.” That was the positive reframe of feeling ungrounded and unstable: anticipation of a switch, a transition, a relief.
Action 2: Committing to speaking my truth
All week I’ve had something on the back of my mind, and it was because of a disorienting experience I had this weekend. I’d been thinking about the experience and the person I shared it with all week. We’d talked once during the week, and it just made me feel worse. Over some time I realized that I’d put a wall up, that I wasn’t being honest with them, or with myself. I was trying to protect myself, because I was afraid of being vulnerable; afraid, maybe, of losing my power by admitting my weakness. And when I realized I wasn’t well and wasn’t being honest with them about it, I knew the only real way out was by talking about it with them.
So today I got on the phone. I felt afraid and weak, and I didn’t honestly know where the conversation would go, I just knew I had a block of emotion and I had to reveal it, be honest about it.
How often do we try to hide our complicated emotions from our loved ones? Try to figure them out on our own? Try to pretend they aren’t there? It only distances us from those around us, makes us feel alone, makes us think there’s something wrong with us. It just takes some bravery, is all… a leap of faith, in yourself and life. No small feat if you’re used to hiding your real feelings! But all you need to do is take one step at a time. You might not know what words are going to come out until you start talking. That’s the boat I was in today. But I just knew that was what I had to do. I knew the root of my instability was right here, in my attempts to hide my truth!
So I closed my eyes, and tried to talk about the feelings in my body. I tried to talk about the insights I’d had over the week. And after a couple stutter-starts, I soon found myself in a sort of flow state… the words were coming to me, and feeling truer and truer, and my state of consciousness was actually shifting. I felt a buzzing, and a knowing deep inside of me. I felt receptive to my intuition in a way that I normally am not. And I spoke to this person about the truth of what happened this weekend, at least MY truth.
I think staying with what’s TRUE is a lot like staying with our breath in meditation. When you stay with the breath, your consciousness shifts and you slowly find yourself dropping into your body and energy more. Your awareness deepens. But it requires total focus and presence! You can’t tune out and tune back it, you have to stay with it. This conversation was like that. My focus and attention was absolute. I stayed with myself, and the experience I had was extraordinary. Powerful. I felt connected to my power. Just like I wrote in my journal this morning! Amazing!
So much of the time we try to skirt around the truth, keep ourselves at a distance from life, keep ourselves ‘safe’. But it traps us in an illusion, makes it hard to see what’s really going on in our lives, our relationships, our health. When things start getting overwhelming: find your truth!!! As small a bit of it as you can grasp. Look for the truth in your body. Your mind will only distract you. Your body is where your real knowing lives. Ask yourself, ‘what do I feel right now in my body?’ and write it down. Or draw it. Give it a color, a name. Let it be abstract. Sometimes our body speaks to us in a more symbolic language than our mind; it’s all okay.
Something I remembered today is that my feelings can be the gateway to my power! When I trusted and leaned into that block of feeling today, something amazing happened! I spend so much time hiding and fearing my emotions… once I step through and see it from this side, it seems so silly! Such a waste of effort, and an unfounded fear!
I’ll forget again, tomorrow, or next week. And I’ll go on another long, painful learning journey. But every time I do this, the path becomes carved out a little deeper. Like there’s a groove in my mind that I can start to fall into. It feels familiar. I trust it more. It’s easier to tap into the magic of my own awareness, the more I practice. Practice makes permanent!
You know what I’d like to make more permanent? That deeper state of consciousness I tapped into today. My truth. My power. My intuition. These are things I’ve gotten glimpses of, and want to bring into my life more. The fact that this experience came to me today means I’m on the right track – that slowing my life down a little, and trying to lean into my feelings, is good for me. Good for my life.
Good things are coming, my friends. Thank you for reading.