It’s a lovely warm night… I have been so looking forward to the warm nights. They make me want to be a vampire. It is so blissful to be driving, in the nighttime. So quiet. Such a blank canvas. Part of me drifts, is at peace.
I’ve been wanting to get a little high, more often. I wonder if that means something different to me than it does to other people. High for me is an interaction with a plant called marijuana, usually. Sometimes I let her into my system easily, and she helps me relax, helps me be in my heart. Other times I am not so easy about letting that state of being into me. Usually it’s because I’m holding on too tightly; it’s the part of me that is afraid of relaxing. It won’t take the medicine, even when it’s needed.
A lot of medicine is like that. It can only facilitate a shift we are actually willing to make.
It was another interesting day, today. I struggled to be present at work. It feels like I wasted the whole day away, there. Sometimes I am cheating myself and everyone around me by pretending. What am I gaining from that? Where does it come from? I see it is a fear. But it is also a shame. And it is also probably not having anything to do with where I am. It’s the thing I want to run away from, but is stemming from inside of me. See, we think we go to work on our “work”, but work is just another way we work on ourselves.
I get so itchy sometimes. So much of a tug-of-war inside me sometimes. I get stuck in seeking mode. And my day will be a long stretch of frustration punctuated by moments of release. My moments of release are usually moments when I reach to others – to my teammates, for an eye or an ear. To my coworkers, for friendly small talk, or a hug. To the outside. To my body. To God. Sometimes I don’t know why I am where I am, or if there is a higher purpose to it. Sometimes I feel I am drifting, and that I am bound to drift forever, due to my own indecisiveness and cluttered personal ethic.
Speaking of clutter:
I can’t get enough of her book. I can’t read it fast enough. But I also can’t let myself finish it, or else I’m afraid my brain will decide “I’m done with that”, and move on. There is so much to put into practice before I let it be over…
Part of me wants it to be snappy and happen overnight. I keep looking around my space and thinking… there is too much here! I have to fix it! I let myself get uncomfortable with the imperfection of it.
That’s probably, in a nutshell, how I drive myself crazy sometimes. I let myself be really uncomfortable and preoccupied with my perpetual imperfections.
… and they are always going to be there. No matter how wholeheartedly I throw myself into the task of ‘fixing’ my flaws… there will always be the next thing to do.
Luckily, it seems like the world is never as hard on me as I am on myself. Many days I go to my job and spend the day believing I’m not meant to be there and that I’m not doing it well. I literally do ask my manager directly though, “Do you think I’m doing a good job?” and he tells me “Yes. I ask people about working with you and they only say good things.”
Again, it’s a focusing issue. Focusing on the flaws instead of the strengths. One good thing about having a structured job, is that you get regular feedback. I have benefited from being told about my strengths. I really need positive feedback sometimes. I wish I didn’t, but I do. It feeds my ego. And damn, sometimes I need my ego. When it is fully deflated, I feel so weak and vulnerable. So risk-averse. Maybe it’s honest to feel your full vulnerability, but I’d like to be more foolhardy sometimes.
My thoughts are getting away from me; forgive me.
I went to a potluck tonight at a friend’s house but just wasn’t connecting with people. Everyone looked so beautiful and happy. I watched myself talking to people, laughing and putting out a confident exterior. It was a little bit of a lie, but I couldn’t break out of it. I don’t think I actually wanted to be there. My brother called me, and I took it as an excuse to go walk down the street and be outside by myself, in a more intimate one-on-one conversation. We talked some real talk about life, about feeling all the feelings that come up during transitions. The night air was warm and welcoming to my skin.
Talking to him felt right. Leaving the potluck felt right. I ended up back in the night with myself, and sometimes it just feels right, being by myself. I am working on a lot of things right now; some of them visible, some of them beneath the surface. Incubating.
There’s actually a power in holding some things in, I’m realizing. A part of me is used to sharing things too quickly. It comes from a place of insecurity, from the thought that I need people in my life to validate my thoughts, feelings, and plans. Well, what if I make my decisions internally and keep some things to myself? Or, rather, be intentional about when I reveal what. Maybe that’s a pretty basic idea… I used to think it was unethical to withhold information, but now I think that’s a perfectly normal boundary to keep, as a human. You get to decide what you share with whom, and you get to see what happens based on the decision you make. There’s a right timing for revealing certain information, and a right person to hear it at the right time. Listening for the right time is a skill I want to improve on. And I believe it has to do with letting go. Let go; keep showing up; do your best. Let go of the thing you want the most, and trust that there will be signs for you when it is time to make moves. You can only go one step at a time. And it has to be at the right time.
The evening is coming to an end. It has been a full day, and I’ve enjoyed the time to reflect on it. It feels like the right time to say thank you, and good night. ❤