It does not feel like I’ve made progress in the last week, friends. It feels like I’ve reverted back to the worst of myself.
I’ve been binge eating every day this week.
Every day for most of this program, even. Except the rosy beginning.
Can you imagine? Setting yourself to the task of beating an addiction, and failing every single day.
It feels awful. I feel full and bloated. My throat hurts. I’m afraid of gaining weight, losing my health, and losing the rest of my hope. I’m ashamed at my lack of control. I’m angry, because it feels like I’m right back where I’ve been a million times before. I hear a voice inside my head – it is so angry at me, says “Why are you so stupid? Why can’t you just be normal? What is wrong with you?”
Sometimes I have thoughts that tell me I am beyond saving. That even if I have the best support team in the world, I am a lost cause. That no one can save me from my awful self.
One of the very challenging parts of this process (and a specific area of focus in the program I’m in) is evolving the way that I think. This means becoming aware of the thoughts that have been ruling my life, and also learning to not take thoughts too seriously. All of these words I have shown you, they echo around in my head and color the world around me… they feel real to me, as though they are a prison and I am helplessly trapped inside. But in truth, they are only thoughts. They are not true. They do not have real power.
And they are not me. I am something deeper than thought – an essence that emanates from my core, from a place inside of me that is completely serene and beautifully intact. The real me is a light.
Even on days like today, where it feels like I am barely limping my way off the battlefield, wounded, gasping for breath… There is a place inside me that is always at peace.
Growing out of this habit is going to be a quantum leap in consciousness. It will look like one day, not engaging on the battlefield at all – being above it all, looking down. Above all the drama about food and weight and control and fear. Above my suffering.
Days like today I have to remind myself that there is a REASON I am choosing to face this demon of mine, the food addiction. I remind myself that I DO believe there’s a way to get to the other side of it. More, I believe it’s my responsibility to find it. My wellbeing, my life, my path… is all my responsibility.
Life is affirming to me through my pain just how misaligned this way of being with food is for me, now. When I fail it isn’t an affirmation of my worthlessness, but an affirmation that this habit has to go. If I keep showing up, even if I fall a million more times… I will get it. I will find other ways. My brain will grow new pathways. This is my life, and I take full responsibility for my wellbeing!
I’m tired of hiding and being ashamed – it is no way to be, as a being whose true nature is light and goodness.
I’m tired of letting an old habit derail my goals and dreams – and ready to show up more fully.
I’m tired of mistreating my body – and ready to treat myself with reverence and respect. Ready to be more fully embodied, more unified between body, mind, and spirit.
Why try? Because it’s possible to live with more love, with more joy, with more acceptance and trust and generosity and authenticity. And I want to live in that world! I want to help create that world.
“It’s time to grow up,” life tells me. Little Emma learned to comfort herself with food – and it worked, but only for a time. Big Emma needs to find a new way forward… she needs to be brave and look life straight in the face.