Hi friends. It’s time for another post. I’m writing from California. Life has taken me all over the place the past two months. It’s a blessing and a challenge.
The food void has deepened its expression in my life, in this time that I’ve been traveling. I feel trapped but I also know I’m going to be okay, that I’m going to move through this. Sometimes the way out is through.
I guess I’m learning what I’m capable of. In some ways, it’s horrific. I’m capable of embodying the energy of a bottomless pit. I am capable of being completely catabolic, and consuming everything around me. I am capable of living in that energy of fear and anxiety, and repeatedly going through the motions of trying to fix the fear and anxiety with food – a child’s attempt at self-soothing that is playing itself out where it is no longer needed – while becoming more and more disconnected from what life is truly asking of me.
I used to want to control what I eat to control my body, to feel good enough. So part of this complex is about my own insecurity about how “good enough” I am, or not. I guess I’ve always been trying to prove that I’m okay by being overactive, by being an achiever. And it always had to end. Because if I really want to expand into this lifetime, I’m going to need to embody self-love, rather than insecurity. I’m going to need genuine, internally-generated confidence.
The kind of confidence I distinctly remember never feeling like I could have, because I was too fat. Because I was weird. Because I was picked last to play sports at PE in the 3rd grade.
All of this… is mental. They are just thoughts.
Now I see myself going through the same motions with food, this self-struggling around eating and seemingly losing control of myself and my motivation to do anything, but at this time in my life the nature of what I’m struggling with has shifted. I’ve done so much work with this, that it’s so much less about my body and so much more about my spirit. The deeper questions are plaguing me – what am I doing with my life? What am I meant for? What is my purpose?
The kind of questions that matter. When you’ve run out of steam to just be earning people’s approval because you finally realize, their approval never made it better anyway. And maybe it made it worse, made me feel farther and farther away from my real self. Looking for love in all the wrong places..
Love isn’t something that you receive from outside of you. It’s something that blossoms from the inside and flows out. It’s something natural that gets expressed by you, when it is allowed to flourish. And it’s an art form to listen to the inner voice, to feel what it loves and follow where it wants to go… no matter the price. No matter how strange and different and seems. No matter how SCARY it feels. No matter how logical it seems to do something different. ONLY YOU can find out for yourself, what happens when you follow your own true impulses.
And I don’t mean the impulse to eat another cookie when you’ve eaten a whole box already. Or the impulse to have a drink as soon as you get home from work. Or the impulse to check your phone because it’s been in your pocket for a few minutes and you just thought of it and are bored. That shit is DISTRACTION.
I mean the impulse that scares you. The idea you have about what to do next, that you are afraid to speak aloud because you’re afraid it will get warped and shot down by the people around you. The idea you’re afraid to act on because it leads you into the LEGITIMATE UNKNOWN.
Friends, we were made to blossom into the unknown. Life creates uniqueness – that’s what it does, and what it loves. No two snowflakes are the same! Life loves to flow into the unexplored places. And this means that each of us has a role to play, in creating what has never been created before, through the walking of our own unique path… this is why living our lives according to a template will simply. not. work.
And for me, living my life in the safe zone is simply. not. working.
I thought I could get rid of binge eating by treating it like a habit and training myself to do better. But if binge eating is going to go, I think all my ways of hiding have to go. All my ways of trying to stay safe, of cowering and listening to my fear.
If I’m just afraid all the time and binge eating all day, day after day… I might as well not be here. Like, I really might as well be dead. So if I’m not dead, and I’m here… maybe it can be the ride of my life. Something to wake up for.
I’m at an impasse. I have to make some scary hard choices about my life right now. Or should I say, I get to? After all, I could be dead, but I’m here. I could be eating and making myself sick, but I’m writing. I could be wallowing, but I’m exploring.
Wish me luck. I’ll do the same for you. It’s an amazing time to be alive, an amazing time to shine a light on the darkness and rise above. What’s calling you? What’s this moment sparking in you? Reach out, I’d love to hear it.