Earlier today I caught myself in a pattern that was totally familiar, and also totally didn’t feel good. I found that I was on autopilot, moving a lot, ungrounded, “doing” a lot while also not really feeling like I was doing anything at all, mindlessly snacking despite not feeling good in my body about it… and in the middle of that pattern, and my anxious feeling about getting out of the pattern, a phrase came to mind – “Fear of Less”.
I wrote: “Fear of Less… I can tell my task right now is to make space. I am cleaning out space in some moments… and then in other moments, as I feel the void approaching, my knee-jerk response is to fill the space. Which of course… means I am leaving no room for the Divine.”
All kinds of voices were in my head, concepts about what will fill the space if I don’t fill it myself:
Punishment. Pain. I make up a story that it will be something extreme. Atonement.
That last word caught me… Atonement. Part of me remembered… wait, atonement is a good thing! It can be broken down as at-ONE-ment: coming back to oneness, wholeness, unity.
And somehow, by grace (and my recent work and all the good seeds planted & watered in the retreat I attended this weekend), it occurred to me… maybe I can give this feminine thing a go. Maybe it’s actually pretty simple to just let go.
I realized I can pause, sit down, stop what I’m doing, and make space.
And so I did.
And I felt my body begin to fill again with sensation. With power. Feminine power!! The power of leaning back.
I felt it within moments.
What a simple concept, and yet a totally revolutionary experience. As a person so used to “doing” all the time… you know, even if I start out with being moved by inspiration into doing, sometimes I then end up pivoting into just doing because I am afraid to stop doing… and that’s what had happened today. But this time I caught myself doing that, and just retracted.
I didn’t need to make a plan. I didn’t need to fix it. I didn’t need to totally mentally understand it! I just needed to step back, let go of the effort…. Even just relax and put my feet up! Yes, I am allowed to do that, I have permission to do that, and in fact I can revel in the feeling of my power coming back to me when I STOP engaging with unnecessary or uninspired action.
I totally relate on a new level to an example my teacher gave over this weekend’s retreat, a story of feminine power. She told us about a women-owned business she knows that chooses, when there is a sense of “too much to do”, to close the office for the day. Because the feminine is more in her power and wisdom when she has space (this is how she put it). I connected with it then, but now I really feel it.
Any time I feel overwhelmed by “too much to do”… it has nothing to do with what actually needs to be done, it actually means I am not in my power. And the hands-down best thing I can do, as a feminine being, to gain my power back… is step back! Pause. Breathe. Feel. Step away. Unhook from the stress pattern. Allow my energy to return to me. Allow my magnetism to naturally start to grow. When I unhook from any pattern at all, I make room for something else to energetically connect with me… I make room for inspiration to penetrate into my space… I get to choose what I engage with! And if it doesn’t feel good, I can let go of it. That’s power!!!!
I am really starting to make a home for myself here in the open space – the thing I’ve been resisting and so so afraid of! And the best part is that it’s totally natural. I don’t have to fight, except in a sense to unhook from my own habits. But even that choice… is a letting go, rather than a taking-action.
And I find, that when I step back… stop… make space… it actually feels like coming home.
In the spaciousness, all the things I have been stressing about… suddenly have space around them. Nothing feels so urgent. I reclaim my power to choose, because I see that nothing is truly urgent. I reclaim my ability to receive and enjoy life, because I’m not stuck putting out a fire that doesn’t exist. I reclaim a spacious feeling in my body, in my cells. It’s literally infused in my whole body right now. I feel it especially in my heartspase and in my face… and it’s just here. I didn’t try to make it happen.
I even had a totally spontaneous and inspired little art/visioning session, after making this shift! I almost gave away all my art supplies recently because I haven’t been using them. And suddenly, this just happened. Not from trying, but from making space.
Feminine power is real. It’s a part of me. I can access it whenever I want just by letting go.
What will blossom in my life as a result of me tuning into this, and working with it? I can’t wait to see, feel, experience!
As I finish this writing, I am deeply enjoying a feeling of peace and aliveness… I am receiving the beauty and raw energy of a rainstorm outside, the comfort of the couch I am sitting on, and a feeling of sweetness and spacious possibility about life in general. I send you my love and thank you for reading!