Hi friends, family, random readers…

This is a blast from inside Emma’s current life in the SF Tech bubble.

I’m sending out a little communication… as some kind of cross between an SOS and a progress report.

I kind of don’t know why I’m here. I came to SF a year and a half ago after breaking up with Mathew and our attempted permaculture & retreat center venture. I never really wanted to work in Tech but it was a “sensible” path. I was always kind of forcing myself to take steps on this career path. And I’ve progressed, in doing so. I’m working at a big company, now managing a software engineering team, and getting paid well for it. I can afford to live in SF and am putting away money.

But it’s coming at a big cost, spiritually emotionally and physically. 

I’m 30 and single and with no serious prospects of that changing. I feel like this is the biggest “issue” for me in some ways since my heart wants to be on track to be nesting for a family. I am SO far from that. So much of my energy is going into this stupid job that is way too stressful for me. And I feel trapped.

My current plan is to try to ride it out until I’ve been a manager for a full year… or been at Meraki for two years… that would take me to February or March. If I really show up for that journey, I’ll definitely pick up some skills in management that I could take with me elsewhere. And I’ll bank good money. And maybe I’ll pick up some kind of stamina to stick with hard things. And… maybe… I’ll… learn… to… like… it? (barf)

As reasonable as that sounds, something in me is rebelling against this path. I haven’t been able to put that resistance & fear down. Plenty of people here in SF are actually excited about Tech, and I am NOT one of them. I want to run away to the woods and revert back to pre-Industrial times and do this whole thing over without technological advancement. I want to have a simple experience of community and living in harmony with the land and elements. I want to live a homegrown, hand-made life… and take the machines and fossil fuels out of the picture as much as possible.

I want to abstain from all the major systems of our world. I have no interest in pharmaceuticals, Western medicine, factory food, factory farms, factory textiles, car-centric existence… honestly, I’m living in a city and kind of don’t care about nightlife and basic city things in part because I crave to live in sync with the natural rhythms… like the rhythm of the sun rising and falling…

I’ve lived that way before. Hiking the Pacific Crest Trail, experiencing an ashram-like life during my Kundalini yoga teacher training in Sedona, living in hand-made natural structures at Rancho Mastatal in Costa Rica while completing my Permaculture Design Certificate course and helping with some gardening and building projects… (it’s a shame I didn’t blog through those experiences!)

I’m not sure what happens now. I know that I’ve been really miserable for a while. If I’m going to stay the course with this “sensible plan”, I find myself leaning heavily into my coping strategy of trying to make the most of my free time with movement practices. Maybe if I get in enough Hoop classes and movement sessions, it will be worth it. Maybe if I get to perform in the student showcase in the Winter, it will be worth it. 

And sometimes I have a weird balance where I seem to be doing it all. Showing up for work, biking everywhere, doing movement sessions, getting better, eating organic and healthy… and then I break down and it all falls apart. 

I feel addicted to modern life. I think addiction is just a part of modern life. Especially in the Tech world.

I want to write more about that.

For now… I’m day-dreaming of an exit strategy. I’m getting totally lost in the relentless forward-motion of the machine. I’m scared that every week I stay is a week I lose my soul more. For I am selling myself to give my creative life force to a beast I don’t believe in.

Thoughts, feelings, prayers, all welcome… we’re all in this thing together… thanks for reading ❤

Best,

Emma