My head is clear for the first time in months. It's been a journey since the last time I wrote. I got a restraining order. I ran a marathon. I moved out of my house and drove across the country. I visited Sedona... a place of dreams and miracles, to which a piece of …
Continue reading Three Steps to Surviving & Thriving When Sh** Hits The Fan
What is the deal with "safety"? Every part of my safety feels compromised, lately. Real or not, I keep finding myself in situations that seem "unsafe". Unsafe. Unsafe. I keep feeling it. Every day. It's at the heart of the work I'm doing right now, with my eating disorder. A set of behaviors that gets …
Continue reading The things I really want to say about “safety”
Hi friends. It's time for another post. I'm writing from California. Life has taken me all over the place the past two months. It's a blessing and a challenge. The food void has deepened its expression in my life, in this time that I've been traveling. I feel trapped but I also know I'm going …
Continue reading Trying to stay safe instead of stepping forward to meet life
OK, it's here, right now. A voice in my ear telling me to go eat. A legitimate desire to abandon everything else in my life right now and just go eat. "The urge". I was anxiously moving around, teetering, eating some things but not descending into full-on binge mode (mostly because there are people around …
It does not feel like I've made progress in the last week, friends. It feels like I've reverted back to the worst of myself. I've been binge eating every day this week. Every day for most of this program, even. Except the rosy beginning. Every day. Can you imagine? Setting yourself to the task of …
Continue reading Failure: Just Another Reason to Keep Trying
Hi friends, Let me paint you a picture of what it looks like to be actively fighting to grow out of an addiction. No day is boring or simple. Every day is both a joy and a battle. Most days have wins. Most have losses. Sometimes I write them down! Sometimes I pay attention enough …
Hi friends... I don't know how to approach writing this post, and have been anxious for a while even thinking about it. I think I even showed up here and tried a few times, only to get frustrated and quit. But a part of me wants to show up, to find a way to do …
Continue reading Food Addiction – The beginning of a long conversation
I started my run this morning at 5:15 AM. Waking up early after a late night binge eating session - my stomach still feels full, I feel a little nauseous. But here I am... here I am. The thoughts are anxious, I notice. I want to just notice them, rather than be swept away. This …
A poem from inside the eternal cave. From the darkness. In there it's so easy to forget the light. From here, I can see. I sing back to myself, don't cry.. You don't need to cling, don't need to hide.. the light is, always has been right here, inside! Will I ever …
Last day in California, sadly... flying to Portland with Aidan in a few hours. I am feeling grateful for the time with family this week. It took me a few days to open up, but it was a beautiful moment when I did. I think we all needed to do the check-in. I forget how …
Expressions from this side of the here & now 