Holà fellow Earth lovers!

Happy Valentines Day, and Happy (belated) Lunar New Year! Year of the Dragon! (Apparently this is an auspicious year for me as a Monkey because Monkeys and Dragons are allies.)

I only started paying attention to the Lunar New Year a couple years ago, and though I don’t know much about the Chinese zodiac, I do have to say that the timing of the Lunar New Year on some energetic level feels more true to me, as a moment of passage into a new phase. For me, this year’s LNY perfectly lines up with a transition out of my job and into a period of exploration, growth, learning, travel, and re-defining what my life is.

Today’s post is a hodgepodge of writings from the last two weeks that I hope will entertain and touch your heart. This part of my story is about my transition from the contracted place I was in for two years while working this tech job, to a new, open, unknown, magical space… and all the ways Life is making me swoon on my evolving Mexico adventure! From my heart to yours…

Farewell Meraki! Sickness & Transitioning

Aww, feeling sentimental right now! I’ve never posted pictures on my blog from my life in the Meraki Universe… better late than never!

I was a coder. I was a manager. I was a volunteer-outing-organizer.

My last blog post was the big update that I decided to quit my job of managing a software engineering team at Meraki. Since then I walked through a psychedelic portal of transformation, and now I am at the other side & am no longer employed!

The first stage of my walk through the flames of leaving my job was… bodily shock. Pretty much immediately after posting the news out into the public digital realm, I came down with a(nother!) fever and spent the next 4-5 days mostly in bed.

This was intense for me, as a person who rarely gets sick! I had an on-and-off fever and massive fatigue… whenever I stood up or tried to exert energy (even just looking at a computer screen) I would start to black out… I felt a headache when I moved my eyes from side to side… I would get hungry and eat meals but be very sensitive and even abruptly stop eating partway through a meal due to nausea at times. My stomach felt… very strange, though I was never vomiting or having diarrhea. Mostly I was lying in bed and sleeping it off.

It was somewhat hilarious timing with work, since I announced I was leaving, and then had to immediately disappear and take a sick week. LOL.

On a physical level, my explanation for this was that I came down with a mosquito-born illness.

On an energetic and spiritual level, I don’t think the timing was accidental at all. Quitting my job meant a massive psycho-spiritual reorientation to my life… and a release of a certain kind of holding pattern I’ve had for the last two years. I feel like I’ve had a backlog of exhaustion just waiting to catch up with me. Honestly, it was probably really good for my body to shut down and just rest. It wasn’t even that unpleasant, really… it was just a different mode of being. I trust the wisdom of my body and that I probably needed this to happen.

But… wow. It was a truly psychedelic (sober) experience!!!

I believe what started to help me get better was that one day I decided to try to go for a walk in order to get the delicious health-foods version of vegan cheesecake for lunch from Moringa, the health foods store at the end of La Punta. I stood up, waited for the blacking-out feeling to pass…. which it did! So I slowly walked to the beach. I walked down the beach, and actually I was feeling fine (if a bit loopy and tripped-out…)! I made it all the way there! And I sat in the shade and ate my frozen cheesecake which was an insane delight!

After the sickness was a process of finishing up last tasks and handing responsibilities over. I did my best to give care in my last days rather than to totally check out prematurely, as tempting as that idea was.

More important than the logistics, though, was taking the time to reflect on what this period of time meant to me, and say goodbye and offer words of appreciation to my colleagues who have been such a big part of my journey the last two days.

This Monday was my last official day of work, and I had no idea how emotional it would be for me. My manager Jiann hosted a virtual send-off party for me, and organized a digital Farewell card full of wonderful heartfelt notes from colleagues. The goodbye party was a wonderful hour full of memories and laughter and sincere loving words. The card was filled with loving words that made me cry, feeling truly seen and appreciated.

Together these experiences showed me… what I did at Meraki actually mattered and touched people. I was surprised to see that I’d really made an impact… I think it was exactly the kind of impact I was hoping to make, actually. The kind of impact that a crunchy nature-loving hippie yoga teacher lost in TechLandia would hope to make. And as much as I struggled with my position there, in so many ways, Meraki was a home for me for the last two years of my life.

I’d love to share my goodbye letter here as a public offering of gratitude for this phase of my journey.

A Kiss on the Cheek to Say Goodbye! My Final Letter to Meraki

Hello friends and colleagues,

As some of you know, today is my last day with Meraki ❤ And I want to say… Thank you. I’m very grateful for my time here, for how collaborative and encouraging this environment has been. For how my managers and peers have worked with me whether I’m having a good day or a bad day. For how I’ve been able to be my human self here more than I thought possible.

I appreciate the core values of Merakians and how much we care.

I always felt valued here. I was given opportunities to grow and challenge myself. I was encouraged to discover and lean into my strengths. I was celebrated for ways I was unique. I formed real friendships with my colleagues, here.

I grew into being a manager! And I was able to help start a new team, the Dashboard Admins and Auth team! This was a role that really challenged me in deep ways… and an experience that I believe will serve me even as I go out and explore other paths outside of the world of Technology. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Especially to my amazing manager Jiann who held my hand through that growth process and all its challenges.

I hope to always remember Meraki with fondness… for the culture of camaraderie, of work-life balance. For a Technology company, I actually feel there is something very Organic about this company, in the way that we interact with each other and grow together. At least, I felt that while here, and felt grateful to be able to contribute to that kind of culture.

I hope and trust that this positive culture will continue to thrive and grow here, and I know that while I am leaving, I am leaving a group of people who care very much to create a beautiful working environment together, a great product, and a fulfilling experience together.

I have left the Bay Area for now and will be traveling for some time, starting with Mexico for at least a couple months to study Movement and different modalities of healing the body-mind-spirit. Feel free to reach out via email if you’d like to stay in touch!

I give you all my continuing blessings and gratitude ❤

Warmly,

Emma

Reflections on Quitting My Job & Moving Forward

In my final days of work, I had my last opportunities to witness what was happening in me there.

The days leading up to that sentimental ending moment were a mixed bag. I saw things in myself that I liked, and I saw things in myself that I felt ashamed of.

One point of shame – and one reason why this was just fundamentally not working for me – is that on some level, it was just about the money. My work was just a means to an end, a way to make money and be “safe” in this material world that I live in. Always a necessity of reality that I work to make money and be able to live and care for myself.

I have not yet been fully able to throw myself into a path of my own true interest and passion, because I was blocked by some deep fear about money. Instead I threw myself – only partially, and only as much as necessary – into a “safe” path that would give me ample money to live off of.

Even though it was not a path I felt authentically ALIVE about.

I picked Computer Science in college… not because I loved computers. Actually, I’m kind of the opposite of a computer person. But I liked math and problem solving, I thought I “should” do STEM as a smart woman worth her chops, and I had a friend going into the CS major and knew I didn’t want to go alone, whatever I did end up doing.

(Goes to show you how confident I felt in myself.)

But in my body, it never felt good. I always felt scared. I always felt like I was trying to prove something to the world by being there – that I was strong and smart.

The Tech world was convinced enough by my act, but for myself I only succeeded in entrenching myself in environments where I didn’t actually feel comfortable or inspired. I always felt out of my element.

In my free time, I would try to compensate. I would run far far away from Technology and throw myself into Movement practices, into Yoga, into intentional communities, into volunteer work in gardens and tea houses, into Ecstatic Dance and Contact Improvisation, into circus arts…. so many beautiful spaces where I would desperately work to “find myself” again.

And… it would work! At least temporarily. I would run away from that yucky feeling that I was living in, about working in a field that wasn’t truly “mine” on some level… I would run away and forget. But then inevitably I would have to go back, to shapeshift into that person that could survive in that digital world, even as my body said “NO! DON’T TAKE ME BACK THERE AGAIN! DON’T LEAVE ME BEHIND AGAIN!”

Does this sound overly dramatic? I don’t mean to exaggerate… but this has been my lived internal experience for the last two years! Every day. Every week.

“Golden handcuffs”, some people call it.

This new chapter of my life is now called “And Then She Broke Out Of Her Golden Handcuffs!”

LOL.

I don’t know how I’m going to solve this “money issue” going forward, in me and in my relationship with the world. But for selling my soul on some level the last two years, I know I’ve at least bought some time and space. For that I am GRATEFUL!!! And, I also know I don’t want money to be the driving force behind what I do in my life. I know there’s a better way to exist in the financial landscape of this world. A more trusting way to live, where my values and what feels true to my body, actually are front and center in my life… rather that what my fears tell me about what I have to do or be in this world to survive.

I hope to feel my way into a path that feels true, from here. I don’t want to rush it. I know I’ve earned some time “for me”. But I don’t want to think of this moment as a vacation. I want it to just be the start of the rest of my life, and for me to live a LIFE that’s “for me”.

Proper Nomad Experiences: Weekend Trips!

Ahh, thanks for giving me space to share about work, and this big transition. It’s a big deal for me. Now onto more of the fun stuff, maybe? 🙂

Since I’ve been in Mexico I’ve really barely left La Punta. I have everything I need and more within walking distance, and have had PLENTY to see and experience right here!

But after a month of being a relative “home-body” in this town, and as my fever-sickness was starting to wane last weekend, I was ready to say Yes to an invitation to join some Movement friends for a weekend outing!

I ended up being blessed with trips to two new places – both with their own kinds of magic – over the last two weekends, which was exciting and enriching!

North: Chacahua… Dreamy Beach Vibes

Five of us from the Movement practice set out together in Fernanda’s car on a Saturday morning two weekends ago and made our way to a magical place called Chacahua…. a remote island couched between a lagoon and the ocean. To get there from Puerto you drive two hours and then take a 45-minute boat ride through a lagoon. I’ve never been anywhere quite like it.

When you go to Chacahua, you don’t book accommodations ahead… but there are plenty of options when you get there. We chose a place that offered beach camping with hammocks and tents.

A lot of people go to Chacahua for surfing… the break is much longer, and from the shore the waves looked a lot bigger, than what I’ve been seeing in La Punta.

But I didn’t surf, or do much of anything. I spent most of the trip feeling cranky and tired. I think I was still getting over my sickness, because my energy was low enough that I even passed up an opportunity to go see the Bioluminescence in the lagoon at night… which I’ve heard is absolutely stunning. Fingers crossed that I’ll get another chance to do that before leaving Puerto.

We did hike up a hill to see a beautiful sunset. That was a highlight. And as a group we laid on the beach together, played games, talked.

It was a nice balance of social time and introspective time.

The other unfortunate (but maybe necessary?) thing I want to mention about my sickness-quitting-transition-portal journey was that, along with the physical fever came emotional hotness. I was very irritable and angry about my life and relationships for several days. Chacahua was maybe the best place for the last of this to burn through me, since the lack of phone service forced me to be with myself and feel/process my feelings without overly acting them out. (As opposed to earlier in the week, when there was at least one phone call where I decided that expressing my anger was a good idea… oops, that felt messy! Guess I’m still human!)

South: Mazunte… Healing & Dance Vibes

Finally, this past weekend, I went to Mazunte! Just for a quick visit… a short but sweet hug, smile, kiss on the cheek… 🙂 Not many pictures were taken, but hopefully you can feel my sentiments with words alone.

I heard about this place before I even came to Puerto Escondido. Friends who’ve been here told me “you’ll have to visit Mazunte!”

By reputation, it sounded like the spot for the hippies, the yogis, the healing retreats, the Ecstatic Dance, etc… in some ways it sounded more “my vibe”. I definitely wanted to check it out.

A good opportunity came when I saw an ad for a TVM (Triple Vagal Method) workshop in Mazunte last Saturday. Triple Vagal Method is something I started hearing about when I got here via ads from local practitioners. It a methodology of doing trauma healing and nervous system toning with somatic bodywork built on polyvagal theory.

Sorry if that’s a lot of jargon. I’m not going to go too in depth to define things. The significance to me is that there is a strong calling in my life towards the healing arts – both doing healing journeys for myself, and having a desire to orient my life’s work towards healing and living more fully embodied. A lot of that energy has been expressed recently in my study/practice of movement arts and in working with Yagé, Colombian Ayahuasca.

So anyway, I’ve been curious about this TVM thing and had just decided I wanted to book some sessions or do something to get to know it more – and right then, I saw the ad for the workshop, and my Movement friend (and Rolfing practitioner!) Valentina said she was interested as well… boom! Plans were made. Easy peasy.

I love when Life makes something easy. This trip was like that. Something just felt right about it. The timing, the fact that a friend was interested and had experience with getting there on public transit, the workshop showing up right when I was looking for it… and then… it turned out that Rene, the facilitator, actually tried to cancel the workshop but couldn’t find my number to let me know until Valentina and I had already arrived in Mazunte. Ha ha. She laughed and agreed to still host a workshop for us and a few others who were around and interested. Easy.

Mazunte was also an easy love for me. I felt kind of at home there right away. It’s a quieter place than Puerto, and smaller, and more surrounded by nature. To get to Rene’s place, Valentina and I took a bus, then a smaller colectivo from the main road down into Mazunte, then walked up a winding road into some gorgeous steep hills, past little bungalows and off-the-beaten track retreat spaces. It felt calm and peaceful. We had amazing views of the ocean from up in the hills.

We arrived sweaty, and somewhere in between excited and tired, and were immediately welcomed by Rene. She was cooking a big pot of soup in an open-air kitchen that opened into a patio and pool area, and offered us her outdoor shower and a clothing-optional pool to arrive and settle. Soooo nice… 🙂

A few others arrived. We all enjoyed a dip & then had a few hours of an experience together.

It was first an educational experience – a fascinating conversation about “What is TVM?” where we talked about a high-level understanding of polyvagal theory, trauma, the vagus nerve, and a process for using points on the body to trigger different kinds of nervous system activation and regulation.

And then it was a guided group experience where we were lying down, breathing, and guided through a visualization and self-touch process to stimulate the vagus nerve.

I think I had the strongest emotional response of the group. Part of it was that Rene herself triggered memories for me of people from my childhood, and part of it is that it seems to me like my system is pretty open to being guided into emotional releases, maybe as a result of having done a bunch of processes that do that? I don’t know. It also just might have been… another synchronicity. Another “yes, this feels right, I’m responding to this” kind of experience, in a string of good-feeling experiences. Whatever it was, the psycho-spiritual experience that I had was deep and unexpected.

We stayed afterwards to enjoy homemade soup and conversation, and to hear more about Rene’s upcoming training for TVM practitioners… which coincidentally had two remaining open spots, and Valentina and I were both feeling very interested and pulled.

But it was not the time to make a decision, at least not for me. I was tired & processing a lot of residual emotional energy. And I hadn’t actually finished my job-job yet and was wary of signing up for something new before I’d even processed that transition.

So we walked back to town and spent the night in Mazunte at a hostel, which was easy to find and figure out. I spent $250 pesos for a bed – about $15 USD. Valentina left early in the morning to get back for some commitments, which left me on my own for a Sunday of exploring Mazunte.

It was a really sweet little town. I was a little insecure and anxious about “what to do with my one day here by myself!?” which I know is silly, but I’m human. I ended up getting into lots of things I like. I found a little health foods store and a Sunday market. I ran to the two closest beaches to see them. I found several yoga spots, and went to an Ashtanga yoga class at one. I ate a bowl of lentils at a fruit/veggie market for lunch. I drank cacao at the market.

And then, I hitched a ride up the road for “Ecstatic Sunday”! The weekly day-long Ecstatic Dance event in Mazunte.

I didn’t stay for the whole time but I danced a good few hours. I felt really insecure showing up by myself, even though I’ve probably been to over a hundred of these things in other places, AND there were people there I knew… ahh, social anxiety, old friend. Lucky for me I connected pretty quickly with a woman who’d been at the TVM workshop, who was very empathetic to my social anxiety and agreed to be my “home base” friend for the day. That made me feel at home and actually start having fun… thank you Zuzana ❤

We actually had quite a bit to talk about, between the two of us, as well. Mostly about our healing journeys, as we’ve explored some similar processes & she is deep in a training for a modality I know and had some great experiences with.

Between talking to her, dancing, doing cartwheels, meeting a few new people, and seeing Rene again from the workshop the day before… it turned into an amazing, actually electric experience for me. Especially my conversation with Rene.

I’m deeply considering doing her program. I felt a lot of resonance with her and excitement for the knowledge and practices she is working with.

But I told her I need a minute to get through this transition.

I don’t want to jump too quickly into something new.

I’m scared of over-filling my plate with new things when I have so much already to soak up and experience with Movement and Dance and the ocean and the communities in Puerto, and learning Spanish… and maybe actually having more time to write about those things on my blog now that I don’t have a job-job?

But… I am a little spellbound by this energy! And excited for where it could take me!

Buzzing from my magical day, I left the Ecstatic Dance event around 6 and caught a bus back to Puerto… I got back just in time to go straight to a salsa class + social. YES!!!! I LOVE MY LIFE!!!! I was dancing and laughing and being swept off my feet while nearby, a TV was showing the Super Bowl and I was intermittently glancing at it, enough to see 49’ers winning for most of the game. Later I heard about the heartbreaking loss in overtime.

Poor San Francisco is really going through some shit right now.

WHAT MY HEART IS LOVING RIGHT NOW… 💖

In honor of Valentines Day, I’d love to share with you what’s making my heart swoon… Little things, big things, the joys of daily living.

I love swimming in the ocean. (More on this in a bit 🙂) I love running and walking on the beach.

I love phone calls with family and friends.

I love living barefoot 95% of the time here.

I love giving a little energy to make my little cabana feel like a home. I bought some decorations and a plant for my front porch. This made my heart happy.

I love eating fruit and chocolate every day.

I love our Movement classes, and how the practice spans from the micro to the macro, from functional movements to playful movements, from serious energy to silly energy, from discipline to inspiration… I love being in a community dedicated to the study and practice of Movement.

Maybe most of all in this moment…..

I LOVE SALSA AND BACHATA!

I started going to lessons and socials a week and a half ago…. This is sooooo good for me so far! Coming from the world of ecstatic dance and contact improvisation, I’ve really been craving a more traditional, structured dance form. I love that there are rules and steps to follow. It’s refreshing and… it’s like a formula for magic!

Allow me to wax a little more poetic about what I am loving here in this dance exploration…

I love being in the follower role, and having/getting to follow a lead. It’s full permission to go into my feminine yin energy, which I still need so much help & practice with. As a follow, I love feeling the way that different leads choose to lead. I love the process of finding a groove with someone… of establishing our shared language, of getting the move and then making it smooth and beautiful.

I love how easy it is to form little crushes on people while dancing with them. I love how everyone has a different style that comes through in their dance.

I love the way my body loosens up during dance. Even if I go to a lesson tired… sometimes I will stay three hours and be so full of life and enthusiasm at the end of it!!

& I love that I feel like a teenage girl again with my salsa crushes. Omg. IT’S THE BEST!

Also, my heart is a little bit confused about this part, lol. Because I both love men, and I feel afraid of them. What do I do with my crushes? How do I both stay safe and push the edge of my comfort zone with flirtation and letting myself be seen? Ahh!! For now, I’ll try to stay in my swoon with the dance and see where it takes me…

And if you want to maybe catch me on video on occasion, or see what salsa and bachata look like in Puerto, follow Timba Nama dance school on IG!

Goodbye, Year of the Rabbit! One of My Favorite Sunsets Yet

I wrote this next segment last Friday night, the last night of the last Lunar Year, while feeling over the moon for this life. I hope you enjoy.

Ahh, I feel so content and full of romance right now. The romance of good living, of riding the waves of life, of feeling Nature flowing through me.

I had a rough plan for today and thought I would go to a yoga class this evening. Instead a friend came over to use my oven and bake a cake… afterwards she said she was planning to go out for a swim, and I decided to join.

I’ve been afraid to go out into the deep water on my own. I’m a strong swimmer, but I don’t really understand the ins and outs of open water swimming, and I don’t want to underestimate the ocean and her momentous force… especially at a beach full of signs that say clearly “NO NADAR” — no swimming.

But people do it. I’ve seen them out there.

And as soon as I’m not alone, my fear often evaporates. As it did tonight. With two friends from the Movement group, I had no fear whatsoever, and threw myself out into the open water, diving under the break and going out… farther, farther… eep! so far out!

The open water was choppy, warm, and beautiful. Swimming in the body of the moving ocean… I felt strangely weightless, and the swimming itself felt nearly effortless. Maybe part of what I was feeling was my own strength. Maybe some of it is from the Movement practice I’ve been engaging with in a disciplined way while here. Maybe my body is opening up and breathing deeper after three Rolfing sessions with my friend Valentina. Maybe some of it is my own natural strength… a physical robustness I’ve seemed to always have some access to.

The water felt so wild. It was a thrill just to move my body, in that massive body of water, waves moving through me and breaking towards the shore. Away from the shore, a sky full of clouds gently growing orange as the sun approached the horizon.

I hoped to swim all the way down to the end of La Punta, where the surfers gather. And we made it there, to the place of convergence, where the pelicans flock to feed, and schools of fish gather and are often swept away by the nets of fishermen, where the surfers float just inside the rocks at the point, because just at that place the break is best to catch and ride. We made it just short of there, and floated out in the deep water while watching the sunset.

I could not have planned for this moment. Sky grey and orange and wild. Ocean full of color and fierce steady movement.

We swam partway back, then in to the shore, and jogged back. I leapt into a bunch of cartwheels, which we have been practicing in our Movement classes.

Side note – One of the reasons I love to ground myself in a Movement community… is that I then get to live in social spaces where it’s totally normal and cool to do cartwheels and handstands, or chill out in a deep squat, on a whim. It’s like… freedom to be playful physically in a way that is sadly lost on a lot of the modern adult world that I’ve witnessed.

It’s funny how this very disciplined and structured practice… ultimately is in service to regaining a childlike playfulness and freedom in the body. Something that is our birthright but cannot be taken for granted. “Use it or lose it”.

But luckily, we are never too old to learn new patterns, new ways of moving. 🙂 Even if we have neglected it for years without even realizing.

This sunset swim reminded me, though, how much I need physical excursions in Nature. I love to spend some of my time in a gym or movement space, but I ultimately measure how I feel in my body by encounters with the Wild.

I find myself right now dreaming of what I will do with my time this year, now that I’ve released myself from the responsibilities of a full-time computer-bound job. And my heart pulls me towards the idea of backpacking again… maybe another long hike, another thru-hike like my PCT adventure of 2016.

But for now, for today… a long swim out in the ocean was similarly spellbinding.

Something I couldn’t plan for.

But that’s here for me now.

I mostly want to say Thank You to Life. And in sharing some words from this place of Awe, I hope I inspire others to go meet Nature in their own way as well… whatever is in reach for you today… go play!!!

In Closing….

I’d like to close out this very-long post on a silly note, with a picture of a dog showing an iguana who’s boss. This is another moment from my recent life that I love, running barefoot by this guy. Look how guilty he looks!!!

Okay beloveds, go play and enjoy your day! Thank you for reading! I love you!